Friday, May 6th, 2011
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11:18 am
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so I've been here for about 4 months now with my Andilynn. it's amazing. I love being herr with her. being able to wake up beside her, hold her in my arms and be able to spend time with her. it's honestly so much better than I thought it was going to be. it's also almost been one year since we've been together. one whole year. it doesn't even seem that long to be honest. the months seemed to drag by at the beginning since we were so far apart but now that we arr together it just seems like everything goes by so quickly. even though now we don't get to spend so much time together since we both have jobs now but it's okay. I get to hold her at night in my arms when we sleep. I can't help but smile every time I hear her voice or even see her smile. everything about her just makes me smile. I can't help but fall even more in love with her every single day. she's beautiful. gorgeous. so sweet and caring. the most wondering and amazing girl in the world. she makes me so happy and smile so much. she makes me laugh like no one ever has. she makes me happier like no other. she's my world. my life. my everything.
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Sunday, December 5th, 2010
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1:01 pm - two in one day.. it's a shocker!
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I'm not sure why but every time I hear the song Broken by Lifehouse I always think of you.
I miss you. I want so much to talk to you again, but I'm afraid of what might happen. I'm afraid I'll start talking to you again and things might change. I'm afraid that I'm not be completely over you. Even though I know it's better we're apart. That it's better we don't even talk. Sometimes I find myself thinking about you. Wondering if you're thinking about me. If maybe you miss me. I'll catch myself being a stalker and looking at your pictures on facebook. God. You're still just as beautiful as I've always thought you were. Any girl that gets to be called yours is one lucky girl. That's for sure. Yeah, I'll admit it. I'm a little bit jealous. Some days I want to turn back time and try to fight for you. Fight for us. Well.. maybe what could have been an us. There's no way I could ever let anyone know this, though. Especially the girl that I'm with now. She makes me just as happy as you did. Makes me smile the way you did. Makes me laugh the way you did. Makes me feel like you did. I think I love both of you.
I'm still holding.. hold on to you.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Broken by Lifehouse
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11:21 am
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Do you know what you do to me? You drive me completely crazy. Not only in a good way, but also in a bad way. I understand you want to spend time with your friend. That's not big deal to me. You should spend some time with her. She's a really good friend of yours now and you really don't do much since you work all the time. You said we would still get to talk when she's there. Of course, I knew not to expect it, but I let myself get the hopes of being able to hear your voice for a little bit each day. Didn't get to hear your voice at all on Friday. Not one time. That killed me. I couldn't stand that. You're supposed to be mine at night. Every night. Mine. Maybe I should care how selfish that sounds but honestly, I really don't. I get this feeling that Saturday morning talking to you while you drove to work was maybe your way of trying to make of for it. Yes, it is normal for us to talk while you're on your way to work and I'm not working, but I just can't shake the feeling that it had another meaning behind it. Then for two hours that night you didn't say anything to me. Not one word. That hurt. That killed. It's great when your girlfriend ignores you when she has a friend around and you two are watching a movie. Do you realize all the things that went through my mind when that was happening? Do you know how pissed off I was? I told myself that whenever you decided to text me again I wasn't going to answer you. Yet, I knew better then that. The moment I finally got a text from you, of course, I forgave you. How could I not? You're my everything. You mean so much to me. I love you. So, so much. I even told the bestie to hit me if I answered a text from you. Yet, of course, I put my phone on vibrate and in my hoodie pocket so she couldn't see when I was texting you. I know I wasn't being very sneaky because I know for a face she knows I was still texting you anyways. I know she knew that. Now it's Sunday. You have the day off and so do I. Usually, this would mean I'm yours and you're mine. Not this time. I have to share you with her. I don't even know when I'm going to get you at night again. I hate not knowing that. It kills me. I can't sleep very well because you aren't there. Of course, I'm sure you're sleeping just fine. Hell, I have this feeling it doesn't even bother you that much that we haven't really got to talk at all this weekend. I miss you so, so much. You felt so distant yesterday after I got off work. Which, I hate having to admit this, but I wasn't surprised. I'm sure it'll be like that again today. Just take her home. Please.
I miss my Bear Bear. I miss your laugh. Your voice. The sound of a smile on your face. The way you make me feel when you tell me to call you. Our cute little arguments. The sound of your breathing as you fall asleep. I miss you saying that we're gonna go for a drive and listen to music. I miss you singing to me. I miss hearing that you love me. I miss hearing the word baby come from your lips. Hearing you tell me that you're holding me while we sleep. Hell, I miss falling asleep with you. The days drag on by so slowly without you. Come back to me. Please..
I love you. So, so much. More than you could ever know. More than I ever thought I could ever love someone.
current mood:  drained
current music: Get Over It by OK Go
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Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010
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3:54 pm - A Little of This and That
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I've often wondered what I've done to make you stop talking to me. Was it something I said? Was it maybe something that I did? Yes, I know your fiance and I didn't really get along too well, but I was trying my hardest to put those aside so we could still spend time together. Yet every time I would do that I just didn't feel like I was good enough. Rather, that I wasn't doing a good enough job at trying to learn to like him. Not only did I lose my best friend, I lost the one person who I trusted among all other people. I tried talking to you. I texted you. I sent you messages. You never answered me. Not once. That's when I finally realized something. I realized that maybe our friendship had come to the end of the road. I don't know about you but I still have every note you ever wrote me. I still have every picture. I still have ever memory in my heart. Those will never go away. Not ever and I don't ever want them to. You were a big part of my lift for so long. Then we drifted. In all honesty, I do miss you. I really do. I guess it was for the best.
Six months next week. Six amazing months. Six wonderful months. Every day feels like the very first day we started talking. Finding you was finding happiness and love. I feel lucky to even have you. With a simple hello from you I can't stop smiling. You've always made me smile and happy and even laugh. I love you so much baby. You're my everything. My life and my world. I can't wait to spend forever with you.
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Saturday, June 12th, 2010
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1:36 am
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Wednesday, June 9th, 2010
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8:51 am - ARGH!
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I can't do this but yet oddly at the same time I can do this. I like you and you know this. I enjoy getting to spend time with you. I like being around you. I want to get to know you more. I can't help it. I'm sorry! yet.. I'm very sure you want nothing more from me than just friendship. which means why do I keep letting myself do this? we talk for a little while and I have you out of my system then you want me to come see you and there it is all over again. I can't keep doing this. it's like you're playing with me. literally. like all you want is just for me there once in a while as you look for someone else to be there constantly. I shouldn't let you do that, but obviously I just don't care enough to put my foot down. I like you. I want to be with you. you know that. just please either tell me you like me as well or tell me to leave you alone. please.
current mood:  confused
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Thursday, May 27th, 2010
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5:45 pm
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yeah.. we're done. completely. moving on from you because you've moved on from me. obviously.
current mood:  blah
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Wednesday, April 21st, 2010
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3:59 pm
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Friday, February 19th, 2010
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9:57 pm
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did I really make the right choice by texting you this afternoon to see what you were doing? a big part of me really hopes that I made the wrong choice while I small part of me hopes I made the right choice. you would think that the bigger part of me would want it to be the right choice, but oddly it's not. I hope it's the wrong choice. wrong choice by you will never get ahold of me this weekend to do anything. right choice by you will try to work something out. I don't know. maybe it will be a mixture of both. maybe you'll get a hold of me to try to work something out but nothing will work out right with my schedule. ugh.. is it bad that I'm wishing that happens? you would think that I would feel bad for wishing for that but I don't. I mean.. how I can I feel bad for a person who I haven't had anything to do for a while now? it's just slightly impossible to feel anything towards you right now other than a very, very, VERY small hope in slowly getting our friendship back in place. I mean yeah I do miss you, but honestly.. things won't ever be the same. I don't think I'll really trust you as much anymore. if you wouldn't have pretty much blown me off the night Markie and I got in to it then I would still be fine with the way how things are but that night just pushed me past the edge. I just couldn't take it anymore. maybe things will be different. maybe this has given you some time to realize what happened. I don't know.. I guess I'll just have to wait to see what the weekend brings us, huh? it's all up to you, though. I'm not planning anything until you get a hole of me this weekend to try and make something work. have fun.
current mood:  awake
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Monday, January 18th, 2010
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4:25 pm - I give.
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I could leave this town for another to start over, but that still wouldn't matter. I'd still be the pathetic loser that I am.
ugh..
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Sunday, January 3rd, 2010
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4:02 pm - oh the joys of being a loser
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I'm not too sure about life anymore these days. I'm not sure what I want out of it or what I even want to do with it. I know if I want it to change then I have to make it change, but I'm scared. I mean.. I only have 2 friends left in life. it shows how everyone really "cared" about me like they said. it also shows how much of a loser I am that out of all the friends that I had, only 2 are left.
ugh..
current mood:  depressed
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Wednesday, December 30th, 2009
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6:08 pm
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yeah.
I'm a loser.
a loner, even.
it's more like pathetic really.
current mood: depressed
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Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009
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2:30 pm
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I want that summer back.
I miss it.
I miss you.
I miss that happiness.
I miss those feelings.
I miss feeling like someone
other than my family cared
about me.
ugh..
why do I have to miss it so much?
current mood: blah
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Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009
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4:15 pm - all I have to say is..
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who needs friends?
I mean honestly.. who does?
it's obvious that I don't
since friendships never seem to last for me.
I always end up screwing them up in the end.
yeah..
I'm just done trying to make friends.
all done.
current mood:  annoyed
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Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
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5:04 pm
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now you've made this really obvious.
you don't wanna be friends anymore.
granted you actually made this obvious months ago when you stopped wanting anything to do with me.
but you just made it clear that you don't want to be friends anymore.
that's fine with me.
I don't wanna have to put up with you anymore.
just don't expect me to be there for you when you crumble and fall.
that's what your little boyfriend is for.
you obviously want more to do with him.
so if something happens, don't come running to me.
I won't be there for you anymore.
I'm not worth your time
so you aren't worth mine.
current mood:  amused
current music: Thank You - Simple Plan
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Sunday, October 11th, 2009
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4:44 pm - hahahaha
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you know.. this has been a lot easier than I thought it was going to be.
guess since you really haven't made an effort to talk to me or hang out you don't really wanna be friends. that's honestly fine with me.
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Friday, October 2nd, 2009
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10:47 pm
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you know.. I've been really wanting to say a few things to you lately, but haven't. why? well because I'm normally not the type of person to say something to my friends that would hurt them. even though this is the truth, I couldn't find myself to say anything.
until now.
where were you the other day when I needed to get out of the house for the night? you were at your house with your boyfriend because he just had to come over to play his 360. you knew I wasn't doing great. you knew that I needed you at that moment, but having your boyfriend come over at the same time was much more important. now I know my morals are much, much different than yours but that right there shows that we're pretty much not best friends anymore. we're just friends. it's funny because you also used to know by looking at me something was bothering me, or you would just text me out of the blue because something was bothering me. that was the other best friend I began to have when I moved here. now.. now I don't even see you as a best friend. I just see you as a friend. you asked me if someone had replaced you as a best friend. I wasn't lying. you hadn't been. I just didn't see you as a best friend anymore. I was able to handle you deciding when you wanted to hang out whenever you could work it around your little schedule with your boyfriend. I was able to handle you deciding when you wanted to talk to me. now.. now I'm done with it. when you couldn't be there for me when I really, really needed you it pushed me past the breaking point.
tell me when you realize that the center of your world is just a human who will let you down and when you see that I'm not there anymore. til then.. I say nothing. I plan nothing. let's see what you can do.
current mood: annoyed
current music: Seventeen Ain't So Sweet - Red Jumpsit Apparatus
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Tuesday, September 15th, 2009
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4:13 pm
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Saturday, September 12th, 2009
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1:47 am - -screams into pillow-
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I used to be scared of
Letting someone in
But it gets so lonely
Being on my own
No one to talk to
And no one to hold me
I'm not always strong
Oh, I need you here
Are you listening?
why will you not leave my mind?
you're all that I seem to be able to think about these days.
and honestly.. I have no reason to be thinking of you.
none at all.
obviously that doesn't matter.
will you please just leave?
let me be able to rest peacefully.
let me go a day without thinking
of how much I miss your arms.
of how much I miss your voice.
of how much I miss your face.
of how much I miss spending the day with you.
and of much I miss you in general.
honest to god..
if things would have went any further, I would have loved you.
and I'm sure there's a part of me that does love you.
obviously since this whole thing is about you.
I'd do anything to have you back.
even if I can't have you to myself
I'd do anything to have you back in my life as a friend.
I'd do anything..
please God let it all come to where you bring him back to me.
please, please, please.
current mood: groggy
current music: Kelly Clarkson - Hear Me
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Thursday, September 3rd, 2009
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11:04 pm - should I be saying sorry?
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friends are relatives you make for yourself.
I guess maybe this time I let my anger fuck it up. yeah I'm going to admit, these past few months I have been letting my anger get the best of me and it has happened a lot. yeah, I do tend to snap on people when they don't deserve it. I will admit this all up front. if you ask me what my issues have been lately, I can honestly say that I have no damn clue because I can't even figure it all out.
alright.. so please answer me something. why not this time like every other time? why this time did you decide to not let me know I hurt you from snapping on you. normally every other time you either tell me or snap on me right back so I know that I had no reason in the first place. why this time did you go complain to your fiance and then have him chew my ass out? I mean you were dealing with my stupid anger issues for about 5 or 6 years now and you would always let me know that I hurt you or you would put me right back in my place. what stopped you from doing that this time?
I guess, in some ways, we both have changed. maybe some of it for the good and then again maybe some of it for the bad. I don't know. I mean.. if I've fucked this all up because I let my anger get the best of me again then that really does suck ass. I really don't want to lose a friend who can never, ever be replaced by anyone. then again.. I guess I already have a bit. yes.. I am sorry that I hurt you from snapping on you. you know I never have any thought of hurting you when I snap. you know that. you always have. I really don't want this amazing friendship that we've had end over something that I can't seem to get a handle on.
I'm sorry for having possibly screwed up our friendship.
I'm sorry for never being able to get a handle on my anger problems.
I'm sorry for all 4 of you possibly hating me.
I'm sorry for you not telling me how much I hurt you from that.
I'm sorry for you guys probably not accepting this.
I'm sorry.
please.. believe it. it's from the heart and it's true.
current mood:  sad
current music: Sunshine Girl - Britt Nicole
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